An Opinion on Bullying

This week, a tragedy unfolded at a high school  in Ohio.  It has left many questioning the motive of a young man who violently took the lives of 3 innocent victims.  Questions might never be  answered for many who wonder why such acts occur, and why so many young people are turning to such drastic measures as a method of dealing with their emotions.  The subject of bullying comes up over and over again.  The focus on this problem has been explored by the media, schools, and mental health experts.  It has reached the concern and the involvement of the White House.  What more can we do to help not only the victim of bullying, but the bullies themselves?  Just calling attention to the problem is not enough.  We have to take stronger actions to improve the reality of these young people so that incidents like this do not occur again.

It doesn’t take a psychologist to notice a kid that is the outcast. When I was teaching, I could tell on day one of a new school year, the students that were not part of an acceptable group. They were quiet loners who no one wanted to talk to, work with, or be friends. That was years ago and since then, the internet and social networking has exacerbated the problem. I read seen a number of reports by experts who give advice on how to handle a bully.  It ranges from ignoring, to shouting at them, to not allowing them to have power over the victim.  This might seem doable, but when a kid is the target of an individual or group of tormenters, this type of action is not going to make them back down.   More likely it will cause a ramping up of the negative behavior, causing the victim to feel an increase in depression and helplessness.   If we really think about it, why should any child have to handle a bully?

The bully needs to be the target of change.   This is a person in need of rehabilitation and behavior modification.  They have to be counseled to understand that their actions unacceptable, and will not be tolerated.  Parents need to accept the fact that their offspring is causing another human being a significant amount of pain.  Although filled with bravado, the bully is often a child who feels insecure, neglected, and in desperate need of attention.  Ironically those are exactly the same feelings experienced by their victim.

We are living in difficult times, but our kids demand our attention. Everyone needs to feel wanted, validated, and encouraged. We need to get more students involved in activities that promote their talents and interests like work – give your kid a movingquote.co moving quote calculator and send him on his way to get a job.   The school, places of worship, libraries, organized clubs, music, dance, art, sports, etc., all allow kids to feel like they belong to something. They become contributing members of a group that accepts them. It doesn’t cost anything to volunteer, and the rewards can be tremendous. If we show kids a better use of their time,  they won’t be so involved in negative behavior, and  more of them will be happy.  Once again, adults have the responsibility to lead the way.

A Child Sees the Glass Half Full

It is said that children can often teach adults a lesson or two.  This week, that revelation came to me regarding my own daughter.  She has reached the age of 10, and suddenly seems filled with infinite wisdom.  She is at that age where she envisions her life as an adult, and sees a pathway with no obstacles or road blocks.  I felt the same way at her age, but I was also filled with anxiety and worry of ever reaching a  significant level of success.  It took many years and a few setbacks before I realized what is important.  My daughter looks at life with hope, anticipation, and her eyes wide open.  She has a natural curiosity for everything she encounters, and displays no fear when attempting something new.  What I realized, is that she sees the glass half full.

It isn’t that she doesn’t have moments of sadness, boredom, or laziness, but she is always open to suggestions and learning something new.  Take her to a park or something involving the outdoors, and she never wants to leave.  She likes museums, movies, and the library.  She enjoys her dance classes and being creative.  With all the abilities we try to instill in our children, this view of life and what it has to offer creates a never-ending list of possibilities.  So many parents are hung up on the academic performance of their children.  No doubt it is of extreme importance, but emotional well-being is a major factor in academic achievement.  They also want them to be the best athlete, musician, artist, dancer, etc. that ever lived.   Pressure or feelings of anxiety can have a negative affect on performance.  I see many parents hovering over their offspring, and wonder how this kind of micromanaging is affecting the thought process of their kids. Does it help, or is it causing the opposite?

Although most adults are well-meaning, it is crucial that they understand how easy it is to destroy the spirit.  Children need guidance and help, but they should be allowed to develop their own interests.  Parents have a responsibility to nurture them so that they have a successful and productive life.  We also need to guide them in such a way that doesn’t come at the expense of happiness or individual freedom.  Let them see the glass half full, and they may have a better than average chance of living a great life.

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Every Child Needs to Learn Rejection

Article first published as Every Child Needs To Learn Rejection on Technorati.

  A Long Island, NY mother was arrested for threatening coaches, the school principal,  and other children because her son did not make a traveling
little league team.  There have been similar stories of parents reacting inappropriately because they believed that their child was cheated in some way. 
These cases are extreme and sensational, but they don’t surprise me.

      On a smaller scale, there are many parents who believe their child is the greatest athlete, artist, dancer, musician, actor, and student.  From the youngest ages, I have heard parents lament how superior their children are compared to others.  Most of the time it is done subtly, but the message is made clear.  I have stood side by side with other parents at school and activities in which my children are involved.  I have been forced to listen how much their children enjoy the activity, or the vast amount of academic skill they have developed.  Mind you, my child might be just as able, but they don’t want to hear it. I have decided it best to let the achievements of my children speak for themselves.

     I have seen parents push children as young as 3 or 4 into a sport or other activity that they truly do not enjoy.  I think it is good to expose children to different experiences, but it is best to find something in which they want to participate.  It might not be the one the parent chooses, but it is what the child wants that matters.  The former soccer player might not have a child who likes the sport.  The professional musician might not have the next Yo-Yo Ma.  The idea that they have to be the absolute best is a disturbing trend.  Where has the simple concept of fun gone? The joy should come from seeing their little faces light up just for being part of something. 

     All children do not excel at everything.  They have to be taught to try their best, and to understand that they might not be chosen or rewarded for everything they pursue.  My children have already had this experience, and they have learned to accept the outcome. What is encountered as a child will prepare them for disappointments, as well as accomplishments, during adolescence and adulthood.  That is the reality of life.  A life they eventually will have to live without their parents.

The Pied Piper

   I was sitting on a bench, watching my daughter’s swim class, when a four-year-old girl came over to talk to me.  As with all girls, a few questions suddenly multiply exponentially.  Her caretaker tried to get her to leave me alone.  I told the caretaker that it was ok, that this happens to me wherever I go.  She responded by calling me” The Pied Piper”. 

   For some reason, little kids like me.  I don’t really understand why.  I don’t talk to them in that sing song voice.  I’m not overly playful and don’t make the first move to talk to them.  I’m actually better with older kids.  Anyway, wherever I go I find myself having a conversation with other people’s kids.  It happens at the park, the library, activities, shopping, etc.  My only guess as to why this happens is that I have a goofy smile on my face, and I let them talk without interrupting.   I respond to what they have to say and appear interested.  This is what I think they are craving.

     I understand what it is like to be a stay-at-home mom.  Sometimes the days seem so long and you miss the life you had pre-kids.   There are times you miss being able to do anything spontaneously, and there are days when adult conversation is sorely lacking.  But the years pass quickly and before you know it your children are starting school.  The preparation before they get there is critical to their social and emotional well-being.

    I have had more than one child ask me to push them on a swing.  I have seen many calling for their parents repeatedly to which there is no response.  I have heard little ones say “Look at me…Look at me” a number of times.  I have watched as some parents frantically called out their kids names because they had no idea where they were.   It is ok to talk for parents to have time to talk to their friends, read a book, or talk on the cell phone, but I wonder how many do this so often that the child never receives any attention.

    There is one incident I will never forget.  My children were 6 and 4 at the time.  We went to a local park that has benches near the playing area.  It was first time that I ever sat down.   Within 5 minutes, a little girl arrived with her mother.  Immediately she came over to the bench and starting telling me a story.  Being that she was around 3, I didn’t understand all that she was saying.  Her mother was busy spreading out a blanket and taking out her book.  All the time she was tethered to a dog.  The little girl walked away only to return with her doll stroller.  After about 10 minutes, her mother walked over.  I tried to make conversation about the dog, but her only intention was to make the girl walk back over to the blanket.  There she sat, looking at the other kids playing on the playground.  It broke my heart.

     I’m not saying that you have to totally give yourself over to your kids.  I don’t believe that you have to pay attention to them all of the time.  But I do know that the relationship that is established in the beginning years has much to do with their development as they age.  Take some time.  Look into their eyes.  Listen to their stories, and let them know you care.

The Anger of a Second Grade Boy

        I saw a story this morning on GMA about a second grade boy in Colorado, whose behavior was so violent, the police had to be called.  He had been spitting, throwing chairs, and swearing.  He told his teachers that he was going to kill them and was holding a sharp knife-like piece of wood.  His reaction towards the police was the same at which point they decided to use pepper spray on the child.  When his mother arrived she was horrified that her son had been treated this way, and filed a complaint against the police department.  The reaction to this story had been overwhelming.  Many are choosing sides as to who is wrong or right.  I think the situation is a little more complex than that. 

     He is in a class for children with behavioral issues.  His mother claims he only has problems at school.  Elizabeth Vargas, who has small children herself, tried to get this child to admit that his behavior was out of control.  He held back a bit and seemed like he really didn’t understand why it was so bad.  His mother feels excessive force was used.  Not being in the situation at the time we can only speculate what occurred.  But, the school has a commitment to provide a safe environment for all.  This is where we run into problems.

    There are many kids who cause disruptions in the classroom.  The attention all seems to focus on those one or two individuals and not on the climate of the entire room.  Where do the rights of the kids who behave come in?  How can a teacher be responsible for the learning and safety of all when these situations arise?  I find it interesting that these are the issues that create the most action by parents.  Right away they are in the office.  Right away they are seeking lawyers.  They don’t see that there is a much bigger problem in front of their eyes.

    This little boy is a ticking time bomb.  It will only be a matter of time before he hurts himself or others.  The focus should be on getting him the right kind of help he needs while he is still young.  There is something bothering him.  He seems to be deeply troubled.  This isn’t about the police, the school, or the teachers. The story has created much publicity, but I feel those closest to him need to put their energy into the child and let the other concerns rest.  I wish him well.