The World’s First Popular Nerd

    

      My twelve-year-old daughter Tessa recently had an interesting conversation with a classmate who happens to be male.

Classmate:  You know Tessa; you’re like the world’s first popular nerd.

Tessa:  What do you mean by that?

Classmate:  Well…it’s kind of like you’re a geek…no offense….

Tessa:  I’m not offended by that.

Classmate:…but everybody likes you!

     We laughed when she told me the story, but later I realized how insightful this dialogue was for both parties.

     The idea that someone could like school and work hard, provokes images of the stereotypical bookworm holed up in a corner.  He or she is the loner with no friends and no interests other than academics.  A person wearing thick glasses with frames out of the 1950s, and who talks in a nasal sounding voice. Perpetuating these images, especially in the media, reinforces the idea that kids can’t enjoy learning, strive towards excellence, or take on challenges and still be a normal kid.   The young man quoted above saw that none of those concepts applied to my daughter, and it made him think about the image and personality of a “geek.”

     Before my daughter started middle school, I explained that kids will start changing and not everyone will want to be her friend.  Groups begin to form, stereotypes develop, and minor forms of bullying might occur.   She has handled the transition extremely well.  She does not let words define who she is, and is comfortable in her own skin.  She explained she is actually proud to be a geek, but she also loves to dance, sing, watch movies, and play outdoors.  She isn’t “popular” in the way most of us remember from our school days, but rather because she is helpful, kind, and always has a smile on her face.  She is happy for the success of others, and does not possess feelings of envy.  She sees the good in everything.

     We hear so many stories about children who are depressed, lonely, and don’t feel good about themselves.  Maybe it is time to stop portraying people in singular categories and understand that as humans we are multifaceted.  We all have good qualities and different personalities.  Instead of focusing just on bullying, we need to teach acceptance and kindness.   We need to make kids realize that everyone is different and unique. It takes more than one word to be defined.  The world needs more “firsts” of their kind.

Hiding Behind a User Name

      I was taught if you can’t say something nice about a person, don’t say anything at all.  That rule of courtesy doesn’t always seem to apply for some when making comments online.  I have noticed many people, who speak in the harshest of tone, don’t use their real name. I understand privacy is an online right, but what is alarming is how vicious and close-minded some of the statements are.  If an individual feels they have the right to speak their minds, then they should be willing to identify themselves.   Hiding behind a user name is an excuse to spew out vile, mean, and ridiculous comments that only serve to offend, ridicule, and make fun of people or situations.

    What is interesting is the choice of some of these names.   Some name themselves after places or feelings.  Others use the names of fictional characters.  Others pick descriptive phrases that pertain to an issue or situation.  I am alarmed at what some of these hiders say when they are anonymous.  It is an insight into what people really think in society.  I don’t care that they have an opinion.  It doesn’t bother me if they say something I don’t agree with.  What I don’t like is the degree to which they will go to comment.   Individuals will rip apart the appearance, ethnic, racial, religion, or sexual orientation of people involved in the topic.  They will make hurtful or sarcastic remarks that have nothing to do with the issue being discussed.   Some users will actually engage in online road rage and go back and forth with insults.

     I have the choice not to read comments or participate in an online discussion.  What I wonder is how many of these people are adults with children.  Do they speak this way within earshot of their kids?  Are they having discussions with other adults thinking that their children aren’t listening?  Do they shout at the television or in the car when they see or hear something they don’t like?  Do they insult others on a regular basis?  Believe me, kids hear and see everything.  You make think they aren’t listening, but those little ears are taking it all in.

     I often tell my daughters that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and thoughts.  What some people like, others will not.  Everyone has the right to do what they choose as long as they don’t hurt anyone.  We often think about children and teenagers when discussing the topic of bullying.  In reality, it is around us all every day.  Society has to learn to listen, talk, share, and discuss issues without shouting, name-calling, and tearing into people with whom we disagree.  So much more could be accomplished, and more people would exist in a happier environment.  Try using your real name when making comments and it might make you think twice about what you really want to say.

The Disturbing Theme of Reality Television

The expense of television shows has increased to the point of being too costly to produce.  This is hard to swallow since about one-third of air time is now consumed by commercials.  In order to fill the numerous hours of viewing, reality television has taken over.  Talk shows, court dramas, and game shows now fill most of daytime.  At night, we are given a menu of choices involving people engaged in a lifestyle that for some reason, American people find vastly interesting.  My dismay with many of these shows is that there is a common thread in many of them.  What is it? Fighting.

TLC (which is known as The Learning Channel), Discovery, and Bravo were stations that started out showing quality entertainment.  Now hours are spent with Housewives, Dance Moms (major concern, more to come), The Kardashians (who cares?), Bethany and Mob Wives to mention just a few.  Throw in the Jersey shore, pregnant teens, Gordon Ramsey, and yelling reaches a new decibel level.  All these shows highlight disagreements which usually erupt into shouting, name calling, and finger-pointing.  Sometimes the arguments end in shoving, hair pulling, and punches being thrown. I also have a concern that many involve women behaving badly.  What is the worse part of all of this? Our children are watching.

No, I don’t watch these shows and I don’t let my children see them either.  But many young people are watching adults handle their lives in a manner that is unbelievably immature and inappropriate.  Is there any wonder that we have a major problem with bullying in this country?  The people in these shows behave like 12 year olds in the way they talk and behave.  They exhibit a lack of self-control and everything is me, me, and me.  In the “reality” of life, this type of behavior is not acceptable. There are better ways of dealing with people who we may disagree. The sad part is that these shows are popular and enjoyed by millions.  Why do so many enjoy watching people shout and fight?  What is it in our society that we find this entertaining?

More and more shows are starting to include fighting in their episodes.  This season The Amazing Race and Survivor showed more scenes in which the contestants are arguing and name calling.  Some have come right out and exclaimed their hatred for others competing.  Television may have become more expensive to produce but we don’t have to watch shows that are done so cheaply they degrade our behavior towards each other.  Life doesn’t need to be that ridiculous.

An Opinion on Bullying

This week, a tragedy unfolded at a high school  in Ohio.  It has left many questioning the motive of a young man who violently took the lives of 3 innocent victims.  Questions might never be  answered for many who wonder why such acts occur, and why so many young people are turning to such drastic measures as a method of dealing with their emotions.  The subject of bullying comes up over and over again.  The focus on this problem has been explored by the media, schools, and mental health experts.  It has reached the concern and the involvement of the White House.  What more can we do to help not only the victim of bullying, but the bullies themselves?  Just calling attention to the problem is not enough.  We have to take stronger actions to improve the reality of these young people so that incidents like this do not occur again.

It doesn’t take a psychologist to notice a kid that is the outcast. When I was teaching, I could tell on day one of a new school year, the students that were not part of an acceptable group. They were quiet loners who no one wanted to talk to, work with, or be friends. That was years ago and since then, the internet and social networking has exacerbated the problem. I read seen a number of reports by experts who give advice on how to handle a bully.  It ranges from ignoring, to shouting at them, to not allowing them to have power over the victim.  This might seem doable, but when a kid is the target of an individual or group of tormenters, this type of action is not going to make them back down.   More likely it will cause a ramping up of the negative behavior, causing the victim to feel an increase in depression and helplessness.   If we really think about it, why should any child have to handle a bully?

The bully needs to be the target of change.   This is a person in need of rehabilitation and behavior modification.  They have to be counseled to understand that their actions unacceptable, and will not be tolerated.  Parents need to accept the fact that their offspring is causing another human being a significant amount of pain.  Although filled with bravado, the bully is often a child who feels insecure, neglected, and in desperate need of attention.  Ironically those are exactly the same feelings experienced by their victim.

We are living in difficult times, but our kids demand our attention. Everyone needs to feel wanted, validated, and encouraged. We need to get more students involved in activities that promote their talents and interests like work – give your kid a movingquote.co moving quote calculator and send him on his way to get a job.   The school, places of worship, libraries, organized clubs, music, dance, art, sports, etc., all allow kids to feel like they belong to something. They become contributing members of a group that accepts them. It doesn’t cost anything to volunteer, and the rewards can be tremendous. If we show kids a better use of their time,  they won’t be so involved in negative behavior, and  more of them will be happy.  Once again, adults have the responsibility to lead the way.

Adults Teach Bullying

There are members of the Republican Party pressuring Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey to run for President.   I am an unaffiliated voter.  I usually decide who to vote for based on who I believe will be the best leader for our country.  I give all candidates a fair chance after I have listened to their platform of thoughts and ideas.  So far I know nothing about Chris Christie except that he has a weight problem.  That is putting it nicely compared to some of the words used by comedians and political pundits.  As I listen and read these comments, I can’t help but think that these adults are engaging in a blatant form of bullying. 

There is much in the news lately of young people being bullied in school, the playground, and the internet.  We are appalled that such behavior takes place and call on legislators to produce acts that involve consequences for those who engage in and create  these painful situations.  I am surprised that in this climate,  adults have resorted to same tactics as children who need to be taught better.  If this was the workforce, charges of discrimination or harassment would be filed.  Audiences laugh when words like “fat” are used.   Is this what we are teaching our kids?

Politicians are now using the “weight” card to discredit a potential candidate.  This is a new low in the seemingly endless ways that parties try to sway voters.  It is disgraceful and does nothing but continue to turn off voters such as myself.  I wonder how many people of intelligence, common sense, and ingenuity; decide not to enter the arena in order to avoid such scrutiny for themselves and their families.

We cannot expect children to grow up to be tolerant, accepting, and empathetic if we do not model these traits ourselves.  We need to stop hurtful words and acts from a very early age and act as a moral compass when it comes to teaching kindness towards others.  I hope the focus on Chris Christie’s weight gives way to his record and ideas on how to run the country.  That is all that I want and need to hear.

The Anger of a Second Grade Boy

        I saw a story this morning on GMA about a second grade boy in Colorado, whose behavior was so violent, the police had to be called.  He had been spitting, throwing chairs, and swearing.  He told his teachers that he was going to kill them and was holding a sharp knife-like piece of wood.  His reaction towards the police was the same at which point they decided to use pepper spray on the child.  When his mother arrived she was horrified that her son had been treated this way, and filed a complaint against the police department.  The reaction to this story had been overwhelming.  Many are choosing sides as to who is wrong or right.  I think the situation is a little more complex than that. 

     He is in a class for children with behavioral issues.  His mother claims he only has problems at school.  Elizabeth Vargas, who has small children herself, tried to get this child to admit that his behavior was out of control.  He held back a bit and seemed like he really didn’t understand why it was so bad.  His mother feels excessive force was used.  Not being in the situation at the time we can only speculate what occurred.  But, the school has a commitment to provide a safe environment for all.  This is where we run into problems.

    There are many kids who cause disruptions in the classroom.  The attention all seems to focus on those one or two individuals and not on the climate of the entire room.  Where do the rights of the kids who behave come in?  How can a teacher be responsible for the learning and safety of all when these situations arise?  I find it interesting that these are the issues that create the most action by parents.  Right away they are in the office.  Right away they are seeking lawyers.  They don’t see that there is a much bigger problem in front of their eyes.

    This little boy is a ticking time bomb.  It will only be a matter of time before he hurts himself or others.  The focus should be on getting him the right kind of help he needs while he is still young.  There is something bothering him.  He seems to be deeply troubled.  This isn’t about the police, the school, or the teachers. The story has created much publicity, but I feel those closest to him need to put their energy into the child and let the other concerns rest.  I wish him well.

The Subtle Start of Bullying

    For a few weeks, I noticed that my 6-year-old was not eating her lunch.  She was bringing home her sandwich with only two bites taken out of it.  When I asked her why she had not eaten, she would only say that she didn’t have enough time.  I know sometimes they get to the cafeteria a little late, but I couldn’t believe that she would have no time to eat at all.  One day, I pushed a little harder with my questioning, and a completely different scenario started to rear its ugly head.

   She has always talked about this group of girls known as “The Ten Girls”.  Mostly they were girls from another class who decided to form a club.  This did not concern me as it happens regularly in school.  My older daughter has seen clubs come and go.  I am not one of those parents who worries if my child in not accepted by everyone, as long as she is able to function in any given environment.  What was happening is that these girls were taking over a number of tables in the cafeteria.  If you were not a member of their club, you could not sit at the table even if there were empty seats.

   My daughter and her little friend are too quiet at school to say anything.  They were going from table to table to find a place to sit.  By that time, lunch was over.  I contacted the teacher who immediately handled the problem.  I could not have been more pleased, and sent a note of thanks the next day.  My daughter and her friend now had a place to sit and eat, and other girls were now sitting at the table with them.  This made her extremely happy. 

   I cannot get over how this kind of behavior is happening at such a young age.  There is much in the news about young people deeply affected by bullying.  It has now become a national issue with the President and First Lady promoting an anti-bullying agenda.  I think the subtle start of this is happening as early as the first grade.  It might seem harmless, but it can lead to bigger issues later on.  How do they learn to get up into someone’s face and tell him or her that they are not wanted?  Where do they learn that it is ok to exclude someone from a right?  I think parents need to wake up.  I don’t think it is acceptable for children to learn that their behavior is always correct.  Many a time I have explained to my own children that what they are saying is inappropriate.  It is my responsibility to point this out to them.

   My 6-year-old has been slow in her social growth.  I changed preschools when she was four, and have enrolled her in activities that she seems to enjoy.  Every year, with the help of some wonderful teachers, she is gaining more confidence.  Academically she is strong.  This has been her saving grace.  The trick will now be to prevent some of her peers from working against this progress.

The Subtle Start of Bullying

    For a few weeks, I noticed that my 6-year-old was not eating her lunch.  She was bringing home her sandwich with only two bites taken out of it.  When I asked her why she had not eaten, she would only say that she didn’t have enough time.  I know sometimes they get to the cafeteria a little late, but I couldn’t believe that she would have no time to eat at all.  One day, I pushed a little harder with my questioning, and a completely different scenario started to rear its ugly head.

   She has always talked about this group of girls known as “The Ten Girls”.  Mostly they were girls from another class who decided to form a club.  This did not concern me as it happens regularly in school.  My older daughter has seen clubs come and go.  I am not one of those parents who worries if my child in not accepted by everyone, as long as she is able to function in any given environment.  What was happening is that these girls were taking over a number of tables in the cafeteria.  If you were not a member of their club, you could not sit at the table even if there were empty seats.

   My daughter and her little friend are too quiet at school to say anything.  They were going from table to table to find a place to sit.  By that time, lunch was over.  I contacted the teacher who immediately handled the problem.  I could not have been more pleased, and sent a note of thanks the next day.  My daughter and her friend now had a place to sit and eat, and other girls were now sitting at the table with them.  This made her extremely happy. 

   I cannot get over how this kind of behavior is happening at such a young age.  There is much in the news about young people deeply affected by bullying.  It has now become a national issue with the President and First Lady promoting an anti-bullying agenda.  I think the subtle start of this is happening as early as the first grade.  It might seem harmless, but it can lead to bigger issues later on.  How do they learn to get up into someone’s face and tell him or her that they are not wanted?  Where do they learn that it is ok to exclude someone from a right?  I think parents need to wake up.  I don’t think it is acceptable for children to learn that their behavior is always correct.  Many a time I have explained to my own children that what they are saying is inappropriate.  It is my responsibility to point this out to them.

   My 6-year-old has been slow in her social growth.  I changed preschools when she was four, and have enrolled her in activities that she seems to enjoy.  Every year, with the help of some wonderful teachers, she is gaining more confidence.  Academically she is strong.  This has been her saving grace.  The trick will now be to prevent some of her peers from working against this progress.

The Subtle Start of Bullying

    For a few weeks, I noticed that my 6-year-old was not eating her lunch.  She was bringing home her sandwich with only two bites taken out of it.  When I asked her why she had not eaten, she would only say that she didn’t have enough time.  I know sometimes they get to the cafeteria a little late, but I couldn’t believe that she would have no time to eat at all.  One day, I pushed a little harder with my questioning, and a completely different scenario started to rear its ugly head.

   She has always talked about this group of girls known as “The Ten Girls”.  Mostly they were girls from another class who decided to form a club.  This did not concern me as it happens regularly in school.  My older daughter has seen clubs come and go.  I am not one of those parents who worries if my child in not accepted by everyone, as long as she is able to function in any given environment.  What was happening is that these girls were taking over a number of tables in the cafeteria.  If you were not a member of their club, you could not sit at the table even if there were empty seats.

   My daughter and her little friend are too quiet at school to say anything.  They were going from table to table to find a place to sit.  By that time, lunch was over.  I contacted the teacher who immediately handled the problem.  I could not have been more pleased, and sent a note of thanks the next day.  My daughter and her friend now had a place to sit and eat, and other girls were now sitting at the table with them.  This made her extremely happy. 

   I cannot get over how this kind of behavior is happening at such a young age.  There is much in the news about young people deeply affected by bullying.  It has now become a national issue with the President and First Lady promoting an anti-bullying agenda.  I think the subtle start of this is happening as early as the first grade.  It might seem harmless, but it can lead to bigger issues later on.  How do they learn to get up into someone’s face and tell him or her that they are not wanted?  Where do they learn that it is ok to exclude someone from a right?  I think parents need to wake up.  I don’t think it is acceptable for children to learn that their behavior is always correct.  Many a time I have explained to my own children that what they are saying is inappropriate.  It is my responsibility to point this out to them.

   My 6-year-old has been slow in her social growth.  I changed preschools when she was four, and have enrolled her in activities that she seems to enjoy.  Every year, with the help of some wonderful teachers, she is gaining more confidence.  Academically she is strong.  This has been her saving grace.  The trick will now be to prevent some of her peers from working against this progress.