The World’s First Popular Nerd

    

      My twelve-year-old daughter Tessa recently had an interesting conversation with a classmate who happens to be male.

Classmate:  You know Tessa; you’re like the world’s first popular nerd.

Tessa:  What do you mean by that?

Classmate:  Well…it’s kind of like you’re a geek…no offense….

Tessa:  I’m not offended by that.

Classmate:…but everybody likes you!

     We laughed when she told me the story, but later I realized how insightful this dialogue was for both parties.

     The idea that someone could like school and work hard, provokes images of the stereotypical bookworm holed up in a corner.  He or she is the loner with no friends and no interests other than academics.  A person wearing thick glasses with frames out of the 1950s, and who talks in a nasal sounding voice. Perpetuating these images, especially in the media, reinforces the idea that kids can’t enjoy learning, strive towards excellence, or take on challenges and still be a normal kid.   The young man quoted above saw that none of those concepts applied to my daughter, and it made him think about the image and personality of a “geek.”

     Before my daughter started middle school, I explained that kids will start changing and not everyone will want to be her friend.  Groups begin to form, stereotypes develop, and minor forms of bullying might occur.   She has handled the transition extremely well.  She does not let words define who she is, and is comfortable in her own skin.  She explained she is actually proud to be a geek, but she also loves to dance, sing, watch movies, and play outdoors.  She isn’t “popular” in the way most of us remember from our school days, but rather because she is helpful, kind, and always has a smile on her face.  She is happy for the success of others, and does not possess feelings of envy.  She sees the good in everything.

     We hear so many stories about children who are depressed, lonely, and don’t feel good about themselves.  Maybe it is time to stop portraying people in singular categories and understand that as humans we are multifaceted.  We all have good qualities and different personalities.  Instead of focusing just on bullying, we need to teach acceptance and kindness.   We need to make kids realize that everyone is different and unique. It takes more than one word to be defined.  The world needs more “firsts” of their kind.

Stereotyping Our Boys

                                                                                                                                                  

     During the holiday season, I had the opportunity to buy a shirt for an 8-year-old boy.   Having two daughters, this was a new experience for me.   Walk into any store selling clothes for girls, and you are instantly bombarded with bright colors, glitter, and sequins.  Many skirts are trimmed in tulle and almost all shirts have some grand graphic design.  Trying to find clothes that are more understated is a bit of a challenge.  So, when I walked into a couple of well-known stores catering to kids, I was surprised and ultimately a bit sadden when I saw what boys have to choose from.

     Let’s start with color.   Yes it is winter here in the Northeast, but all I saw was brown, dark blue, black, gray, and dark green.  The only other colors were burnt orange and mustard green.  I admit, the neon colors of girl’s clothes can be a bit overwhelming, but to be so drab was depressing.   Then I looked at the graphics on the shirts.   The only choices were either sports or pictures of heavy machinery.   Since this was going to be a donation, and I didn’t know the youngster, I was at a loss as to what would be appropriate.  I finally settled on the one shirt I found that had stripes.

      It got me thinking about the messages we send kids.  Do all little boys have to be involved or like sports?  It is great if they have the talent and ambition to play, but what if they don’t?  Do all have to like tractors, large truck, and backhoes?  Is there something wrong with them if they prefer other toys?  If you don’t think this is has an effect, think again.

     My daughter is in the chorus at school.  They are having a hard time getting boys to join.  Oh they are in the band, and a few are in the orchestra, but for some reason, chorus isn’t cool.   With all the discussion we have surrounding our girls…have we left our boys behind?  Does he have to worry that his peers will think lesser of him because he isn’t cut out for sports?   Can he like science and math without being called a geek?  What if he is more interested in art and music?  How long does it take before he realizes his potential?  High school?  Longer?  It has to start younger.

     Parents have to take the lead from their kids.  I have witnessed too many forcing their children to participate in activities that they are clearly not enjoying.  I have heard grown men yell at young boys to toughen up, shake it off, run faster, work harder.  I’m talking about little kids here, not high school or college athletes.  There is a fine line between encouraging children to do better, and belittling them when they don’t live up to expectations which are usually set too high.  If kids find something they can throw their heart and soul into, they will usually succeed without pressure from their parents.  They will never know what they are good at if not given the freedom to choose.

     I hope the little boy is wearing that striped shirt knows he doesn’t have to identify himself by a graphic.  He can grow up to be anything he wants and not have to wonder what others think.  He can join the chorus if he likes to sing.  He doesn’t have to play sports if he doesn’t want to.  He can do well academically without being called a nerd.   He should have the freedom to choose.  Just like our girls.

Life on a 2 inch Screen

     In my last post, I described my visit to Disney World.   One of the points I didn’t mentioned was before every show, an announcement was made that no recording or flash photography could take place during the performance.  It was music to my ears.  It seems in the past few years, everyone is recording every event that occurs in their lives.  This all started with the invention of the video camera.  Now with cell phones, iPads, YouTube and other social media, the world has become one giant movie.

     We waited for the parade in the Magic Kingdom one afternoon during our trip.  People were polite and courteous while standing along the road.  When the parade reached our area, a women standing next to me kept sticking her elbow in my side.  She had her iPad up in the air in order to record the whole parade.  In my passive aggressive way I refused to move over.  I’m sure she didn’t appreciate the clapping and calling out  of the names of characters as they went by, but I didn’t care.  I was enjoying the moment with my kids and wasn’t going to stifle my fun for someone documenting their entire day.

     Before we had kids, and had two incomes, my husband and I went on a cruise to Alaska.  The only way to get from location to location is by boat or air since the state does not have many roads of connection.  We noticed that while the boat was moving, the crowds were nowhere to be seen.  It was us and about 12 other people wearing parkas observing the wonderful landscape.  When the boat stopped, the people came out of the casino, the pools, and the food and play areas, and took sudden interest in the sites.  At the time video cameras were the means of recording, and they came out in force.  Tripods were set up, people jockeyed for the best position, and it was taped for remembrance.  When the show was over, the people disappeared.  My husband commented that that those people were experiencing Alaska through a 2 inch screen.

     I often wonder what children think when their parents tell them what to do for the camera.  Many times they want a reenactment of something a child did spontaneously. They tell them not only what to do or say, but how to do it.  Most kids I know don’t repeat what you want them to do when asked.  This causes many parents to become exasperated because they can’t capture that precious moment.  Maybe these kids are onto something.  I remember a movie called Truman starring Jim Carrey.  Unbeknownst to Truman, his whole life was being monitored, and a live feed was blasted across televisions nationwide.  Everything around him was set-up to provide the drama.  People, buildings, and events, were planned to create a kind of documentary reality show.  When Truman found out, he walked out and said goodbye.

     I have a video camera.  I film my kids a few times a year.  Most of it takes place the backyard, or the house of mine and other family members.  I don’t feel like I can fully experience what is going on around me if I have to keep focus through a screen.  So much time during the total happening is lost.  I know I am old school, but I prefer still photography.  There is something captured in a moment that I find quite satisfying.  A facial expression, the time of day, the surroundings, the people grouped together, the memory of time and place.  It is nice to have some photos and videos as remembrance, but the best movie of all is the one that plays out in our heads.  The memories we hold of loved ones, events, and life in general.  My grandmother said it best.  Once at a wedding, she couldn’t get over the number of photos that were being taken.  She commented…”All these pictures.  You only need one.”  How right she was.

Remote Uncontrollable

     Last fall, after many months of holding out, I bought a new car.   My old car was 15 years old and seeing better days.  It had power windows but no remote.   It was such a burden when my children were babies to open doors with a key.  Sometimes I even had to put them down on the ground while I fiddled with keys, doors, car seats, strollers, and baby carriers.  I thought my life would become much easier now that I had a car with doors that would magically open and close with the click of a button.  Little did I know how confusing and humorous  would become my attempts to catch up with modern society.

     My husband has an older version of the same model.  I know how to operate his remote.  One click unlocks the driver’s side; two opens all the other doors.  With newer models come changes.  Mine is the same except there is a different button to open the rear hatch.  Approaching the car with a load of groceries becomes a comedy of errors.  Beep, Beep, Beep…what did I just open?  Is the back open?  Maybe I touched the wrong button.  Ok, got it open, put the groceries in, close the door.  Now get in to drive.  The door is locked.  Ugh…now push another button.  By now people probably think I am breaking in.

     The other issue is that it is extremely sensitive.  Lean on it, beep. Drop it on the ground or somewhere in the car, beep.  The lights start flashing on and off.  This causes me to start talking, out loud, to the car.  So far this has only taken place in my driveway so I have not created the spectacle of a person talking to themselves.

     I have one question.   Why did they have to change what already worked so well?  Maybe my lack of experience is the problem.  It makes me think about other remote controls.  How many of those buttons on televisions, DVD players, and cable boxes do we actually use?  Do we even know that most of them do?  If you read the manuals that come with these devices, it’s like looking at a foreign language.

     I sure at some point using this remote will become second nature, and the beeping will become less.  I am happy with my purchase.  It is comfortable and has working heat and air.  The drive is smoother and quieter.  I adjusted to all the other features in no time and do not miss my old one at all.  Change happens all the time, and technology is making these changes occur more frequently.  It seems not so long ago when we actually had to roll down the windows.  I don’t think I’ll wait another 15 years before I buy another new car.  I might not be able to open the doors.

 

 

Being an Older Mom

The nurse’s office in the school that my daughters attend called last week.   My almost 8-year-old had a minor incident on the playground.  During the course of the conversation, I was asked if I was my daughter’s grandmother.  I stated I was her mother.  At first I thought that it was because I had a bit of a croaky voice that day.  Later on, I realized that they were probably looking at the records and saw my birthday.  It didn’t upset me.  It actually made me laugh because the truth is, I am an older mom.

Most of the children of women my age are either in college or have already moved into careers or family life.  I realize that I am anywhere from 10 to 25 years older that most of the mothers I meet.  I don’t hide my age, but I don’t offer it either.  It doesn’t bother me, but it seems to be alarming to some.   Some have stated that they consider it to be irresponsible. The advantages are that I am calmer and more financially stable than I was 20 years ago.  My years of teaching has aided in helping my children with school and other problems.  Academically I want them to do well, but I also want them to be emotionally happy.

I did everything late in life.  I established my career late, met my husband late, got married later than most (we were constantly asked if it was our first marriage), waited 3 years, and then had children.  I am not one of those women who waited because I wanted to do other things.  I didn’t think about my biological clock.  Due to good genetics, I conceived easily and didn’t need fertility treatments (another question I get asked often).  My drum always had a different beat.  Sometimes it even went haywire; sometimes it didn’t make a sound.   I just let life happen.

I know that I will not live long enough to experience most of my daughters’ lives.  My hope is to see them receive an education, and settle into a happy life.  I purposely had 2 children so that they would have each other.  The time I spend with them is precious.  I hope the experiences my husband and I create with them makes them look back and remember all we did together.  Maybe I will be lucky and live into my 90’s like both my grandmothers.  These are the thoughts I had on Mother’s Day when cards, gifts, and breakfast were presented to me by two little girls who only see me as Mom.

A Child Sees the Glass Half Full

It is said that children can often teach adults a lesson or two.  This week, that revelation came to me regarding my own daughter.  She has reached the age of 10, and suddenly seems filled with infinite wisdom.  She is at that age where she envisions her life as an adult, and sees a pathway with no obstacles or road blocks.  I felt the same way at her age, but I was also filled with anxiety and worry of ever reaching a  significant level of success.  It took many years and a few setbacks before I realized what is important.  My daughter looks at life with hope, anticipation, and her eyes wide open.  She has a natural curiosity for everything she encounters, and displays no fear when attempting something new.  What I realized, is that she sees the glass half full.

It isn’t that she doesn’t have moments of sadness, boredom, or laziness, but she is always open to suggestions and learning something new.  Take her to a park or something involving the outdoors, and she never wants to leave.  She likes museums, movies, and the library.  She enjoys her dance classes and being creative.  With all the abilities we try to instill in our children, this view of life and what it has to offer creates a never-ending list of possibilities.  So many parents are hung up on the academic performance of their children.  No doubt it is of extreme importance, but emotional well-being is a major factor in academic achievement.  They also want them to be the best athlete, musician, artist, dancer, etc. that ever lived.   Pressure or feelings of anxiety can have a negative affect on performance.  I see many parents hovering over their offspring, and wonder how this kind of micromanaging is affecting the thought process of their kids. Does it help, or is it causing the opposite?

Although most adults are well-meaning, it is crucial that they understand how easy it is to destroy the spirit.  Children need guidance and help, but they should be allowed to develop their own interests.  Parents have a responsibility to nurture them so that they have a successful and productive life.  We also need to guide them in such a way that doesn’t come at the expense of happiness or individual freedom.  Let them see the glass half full, and they may have a better than average chance of living a great life.

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Toddlers, Tiaras, and Fame Seeking Moms

I saw a report on GMA this morning featuring young children competing in pageants.  Within 2 minutes, I saw enough to make my skin crawl.  Here were girls, barely out of diapers, parading around in costumes and makeup that was absurd.  This has been a controversial issue for years, and yet it continues to grow in popularity.  TLC highlights it in a show titled “Toddlers and Tiaras”.   That alone doesn’t sound right.  It isn’t the pageants itself that bothers me.  It’s the extent to which they will dress up, make-up, and drill these young girls to prance, dance, and sing in a manner that is inappropriate and potentially harmful to their well-being.

The first thing most of the mothers of these girls say, is that the child enjoys doing the pageants.  That if they didn’t like it, they would quit.  I would like to know what kid likes sitting still for hours while having make-up applied.  How many love to have their hair teased up, pulled, rolled, and sprayed.  Then have to wait and not move so as to not messed up the whole ensemble.  They wear more than one outfit in these shows, so the whole procedure gets repeated. 

The mothers at these shows are delusional.  For some reason they want to believe that pageants will benefit their daughters.  The qualities of poise, speaking, and having a talent can all be experienced outside of this money generating world.  Did they ever notice that the only people attending the event are parents and relatives of the contestants?  There are no talent scouts looking for the next great child star in attendance.  There are no college admission reps searching for a future scholarship winner.  Most of these mothers want their child to become famous and will do so at any cost.

Tanning applications are being applied to delicate skin.   Hairpieces are being attached to create a look eerily similar to Marie Antoinette.   Fake teeth are inserted and costumes evoking a sexual image are being worn.  Are they really showcasing little girls?  It promotes a message that only a certain look will get you ahead in this world.

About 5 years ago, I was walking through the mall with my then 2- year- old.  A few very attractive young women were by a booth, and handing out cards for a “talent” agency.  They walked up to me, told me how adorable my child was, and asked if I would be interested in filling out a form.  Not being born yesterday I said no.  This is a scam to have pictures taken, which you pay for, with the promise that they will try to get your child a modeling or acting job.  A short time later, one stopped me coming out of a store, stated she knew I said no but………   I told her I didn’t want my child to do it.  Her response was, “Don’t you want her to be on T.V.?”   I said, “No, I don’t”.  Had I thought quicker I would have said I wanted her to become an engineer. 

The excitement of fame and fortune is the carrot on the stick for so many.  Why parents set this as a goal is puzzling.  If it is meant to be, it will come later in life after much hard work, practice, and education.  Let these little girls play and enjoy their childhood.  Let them make their own choices and become their own person.  You only get one chance to experience that.

http://news.yahoo.com/toddlers-tiaras-competitor-isabella-barrett-5-criticizes-rival-131808955–abc-news.html

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Behind the Wheel

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     Watch out America.  There is a terror on our roads.  It isn’t a teenager who just got their license.  It isn’t senior citizens driving 40 mph on the interstate.   No, it isn’t tractor trailer trucks trying to get their shipment delivered on time.   What is it?  It is a mom that is running late.   A mom who has her kids strapped into safety seats as required by law.  They are headed for school, an appointment, or an activity.   The late mom loses all common sense, and is on a mission to get her kids to their destination as soon as possible.  I have one request.  Please don’t put the safety of my children at risk while you cut 5 minutes off your drive.

     I started noticing this once I had my own kids.  There are bad drivers everywhere.  Tailgaters, speeders, wrong turns, going through stop lights, texting, etc.  What surprises me is that parents would behave in such a reckless manner.  I have been followed so closely, I can read their lips.  I can see the panic on their faces.  Oh my, they are late.  How awful.  Let’s run down everyone in our way so that we can get to dance, swim class, baseball, or karate.  

   The school parking lot is not much better.  Upon arriving, they park anywhere, and run into the school.  They will block in 5 other cars to park.  They have to get into the school now.  Never mind that the staff doesn’t let anyone leave without a note and an adult identified as the pick-up person.  The lot is filled with pint-sized human beings who aren’t always readily visible.  They bop between cars, hide behind adults, and more often than not, are walking to the wrong car. 

   At activities, the late mom will barrel into the parking lot and stop with the precision of a race car driver.  They fly into the parking lot, pull their kid out of the car, and run to the class.  Sorry, but missing 5 minutes of a dance class for preschoolers is not the end of the world.  The water will still be in the pool for the swim class.  The team will let you join in the game when you get there.  It isn’t worth the anxiety and stress.

   What concerns me most is that parents are carrying precious cargo.  I don’t understand why the safety of their children or others is not on their minds.  A larger vehicle doesn’t provide instant protection.  Any type of accident can cause injury.  Anybody can run into a small child in a parking lot.  I hope I never witness this.  Please slow down.  Give yourself the time necessary to get to your destination safely.  The consequences are not worth it.

The Pied Piper

   I was sitting on a bench, watching my daughter’s swim class, when a four-year-old girl came over to talk to me.  As with all girls, a few questions suddenly multiply exponentially.  Her caretaker tried to get her to leave me alone.  I told the caretaker that it was ok, that this happens to me wherever I go.  She responded by calling me” The Pied Piper”. 

   For some reason, little kids like me.  I don’t really understand why.  I don’t talk to them in that sing song voice.  I’m not overly playful and don’t make the first move to talk to them.  I’m actually better with older kids.  Anyway, wherever I go I find myself having a conversation with other people’s kids.  It happens at the park, the library, activities, shopping, etc.  My only guess as to why this happens is that I have a goofy smile on my face, and I let them talk without interrupting.   I respond to what they have to say and appear interested.  This is what I think they are craving.

     I understand what it is like to be a stay-at-home mom.  Sometimes the days seem so long and you miss the life you had pre-kids.   There are times you miss being able to do anything spontaneously, and there are days when adult conversation is sorely lacking.  But the years pass quickly and before you know it your children are starting school.  The preparation before they get there is critical to their social and emotional well-being.

    I have had more than one child ask me to push them on a swing.  I have seen many calling for their parents repeatedly to which there is no response.  I have heard little ones say “Look at me…Look at me” a number of times.  I have watched as some parents frantically called out their kids names because they had no idea where they were.   It is ok to talk for parents to have time to talk to their friends, read a book, or talk on the cell phone, but I wonder how many do this so often that the child never receives any attention.

    There is one incident I will never forget.  My children were 6 and 4 at the time.  We went to a local park that has benches near the playing area.  It was first time that I ever sat down.   Within 5 minutes, a little girl arrived with her mother.  Immediately she came over to the bench and starting telling me a story.  Being that she was around 3, I didn’t understand all that she was saying.  Her mother was busy spreading out a blanket and taking out her book.  All the time she was tethered to a dog.  The little girl walked away only to return with her doll stroller.  After about 10 minutes, her mother walked over.  I tried to make conversation about the dog, but her only intention was to make the girl walk back over to the blanket.  There she sat, looking at the other kids playing on the playground.  It broke my heart.

     I’m not saying that you have to totally give yourself over to your kids.  I don’t believe that you have to pay attention to them all of the time.  But I do know that the relationship that is established in the beginning years has much to do with their development as they age.  Take some time.  Look into their eyes.  Listen to their stories, and let them know you care.

The Subtle Start of Bullying

    For a few weeks, I noticed that my 6-year-old was not eating her lunch.  She was bringing home her sandwich with only two bites taken out of it.  When I asked her why she had not eaten, she would only say that she didn’t have enough time.  I know sometimes they get to the cafeteria a little late, but I couldn’t believe that she would have no time to eat at all.  One day, I pushed a little harder with my questioning, and a completely different scenario started to rear its ugly head.

   She has always talked about this group of girls known as “The Ten Girls”.  Mostly they were girls from another class who decided to form a club.  This did not concern me as it happens regularly in school.  My older daughter has seen clubs come and go.  I am not one of those parents who worries if my child in not accepted by everyone, as long as she is able to function in any given environment.  What was happening is that these girls were taking over a number of tables in the cafeteria.  If you were not a member of their club, you could not sit at the table even if there were empty seats.

   My daughter and her little friend are too quiet at school to say anything.  They were going from table to table to find a place to sit.  By that time, lunch was over.  I contacted the teacher who immediately handled the problem.  I could not have been more pleased, and sent a note of thanks the next day.  My daughter and her friend now had a place to sit and eat, and other girls were now sitting at the table with them.  This made her extremely happy. 

   I cannot get over how this kind of behavior is happening at such a young age.  There is much in the news about young people deeply affected by bullying.  It has now become a national issue with the President and First Lady promoting an anti-bullying agenda.  I think the subtle start of this is happening as early as the first grade.  It might seem harmless, but it can lead to bigger issues later on.  How do they learn to get up into someone’s face and tell him or her that they are not wanted?  Where do they learn that it is ok to exclude someone from a right?  I think parents need to wake up.  I don’t think it is acceptable for children to learn that their behavior is always correct.  Many a time I have explained to my own children that what they are saying is inappropriate.  It is my responsibility to point this out to them.

   My 6-year-old has been slow in her social growth.  I changed preschools when she was four, and have enrolled her in activities that she seems to enjoy.  Every year, with the help of some wonderful teachers, she is gaining more confidence.  Academically she is strong.  This has been her saving grace.  The trick will now be to prevent some of her peers from working against this progress.